Let’s Talk About Integrity

Integrity is one of those words and concepts that shows up consistently for me as a Core Value of mine. It’s foundational for how I choose to create my life, and it’s also a key component for how I choose the company I keep and the work that I will do.

I felt the energy of integrity before I knew what it was. I saw how integrity showed up, before I could put any of those concepts into words. As an adult at my grandfather’s funeral, I shakily delivered a eulogy along with my older sister. We stood side-by-side in front of everyone who had gathered there to remember him. We took turns delivering our speeches and in the particularly hard moments we would look at each other and take a deep breath together. We needed the other to remember to breathe. Similarly to when we were kids and life delivered chaos and uncertainty, even as immature and unknowing as we were, we could sense that we were each other’s rock. I particularly choked up and needed my sister’s reminder to breath as I said that Papa had taught me what integrity was.

My grandfather was not a big talker. He was simple and the opposite of flashy or over-the-top. He would go under most people’s radar. But he did things like show up when he said he would. He would look at you like you mattered, and he treated you as such. He didn’t say much but what he did say carried a quality of importance and in our family it had the power to stop a room and pull all attention towards him, either for a reality check or a sly sense of humor that would break through the bullsh*t.

As a kid in elementary school I once found myself with a broken toe and needing to use crutches. I was with my grandfather for some reason one day during this time and I remember the two of us in his car pulling up into the drive way of my mom’s house. I got out of the car and soon realized that crutches on a slanted icy drive-way In the middle of a Canadian February was not a great combination. As they slipped and gave way and I started to fall, there was Papa, ready to catch me. And he did. And it was awesome. And it also wasn’t a surprise. That was Papa. He would catch you.

Integrity for me has two dimensions: an internal and an external dimension.

From an internal perspective, integrity looks like knowing who you are, what matters to you and what your values are. There is a clarity that’s present with integrity and a lack of any need to prove oneself or over-complicate things. Integrity is as it is.

From this internal perspective of integrity we can check in and ask ourselves if we are in integrity with ourselves. Only we really can know this answer. When we think of the jobs we choose to be in….are they in line with our values? When we think of the people we surround ourselves with, integrity asks that we are clear on why this person can have the privilege of having access to us. When we think of how we choose to spend our time or show up for others, integrity asks if that’s really what we want to be.

Internal Integrity carries with it feelings of peace, gratitude, simplicity and strength. Anywhere we sense turmoil or stress or drama we can ask ourselves, in what way am I out of integrity with myself? Where have I betrayed my true self, and what can I do about it?

Now, for the external dimension of integrity, this is deeply connected to how other’s experience us. Other human beings do not have access to our thoughts and feelings unless we make them known to them. They don’t really know if we are in integrity with ourselves or not. Their experience is one of whether or not we are in integrity with them. This shows up as our words and our actions and whether they align or not.

Did we do what we said we were going to do. Did we show up. Did we make the call. Did we complete the project on time, etc.

And don’t get it twisted now, integrity is not about perfection. Life happens and we are human. We are going to mess up all the time in both the internal and external dimensions of integrity. Our feelings, comfortable or uncomfortable will let us know where we are at. Integrity doesn’t call on us to be perfect. It asks us to be present. Integrity asks us to notice those feelings and use them as guide posts to understand ourselves and what our own unique integrity is for us.

Did you miss that deadline? Integrity simply asks that you notice, acknowledge, communicate and meet your new commitment.

Do you feel sh*tty because you set a goal to meditate four times a week and you’ve been numbing out on social media instead? Integrity simply asks that you notice, acknowledge and choose what you want to do next about it intentionally.

The work of checking in with our integrity does take time and effort. It takes consciousness and an awareness of oneself. But in slowing down to become connected with this information, we also streamline our lives, cutting out all that is unnecessary. Strong integrity acts as a shield that foolish things simply can’t penetrate. It is the rich, cared for soil that beautiful things can grow out of effortlessly.

Check in with yourself and have these conversations with your coach, therapist, close friend….about what integrity means for you, and are you in it?

Oh, and to my Papa….thanks for catching me.