The Duality Of Living In And Through Fear
We all know that life can be scary. Things happen. At times, big things.
When these peaks and valleys occur along the timeline of our stories, there’s a very real impact on our emotional, spiritual and physical experience. Whatever is happening and however we’ve labeled it, these events that pop up to stretch and pull and test who we are, create this sense of palpable vulnerability. And being vulnerable is so scary. By it’s very nature, we are opened up. We have something at risk.
For most of us, we resist risk. Our brains are wired to resist change. We inherently seek safety, comfort and predictability. But we live in a reality that is anything but safe, comfortable or predictable.
As much as we try to control, protect and perfect our lives…life is going to “life”. It’s going to “life” all over us. The more present and plugged in we are, the more scary it can feel because we are really HERE. We’re all in. We’re playing full out.
You want Joy? Success? Connection? Of course. We all do. But you can’t have form without space. You can’t have light without dark or sound without silence. Inherently built into the pursuit of joy is the potential for, and inevitable loss, of joy.
Some examples of what these life happenings can look like and the vulnerability they create are:
You get a promotion (good?) - Can I succeed in this new role and manage the increased pressure and workload (fear)
You lose your job unexpectedly (bad?) - will I be able to recover and find a sense of financial stability and security again (fear)
You find a romantic partner (good?) - Can this work long term? Am I going to mess this up? Will they hurt me? (Fear)
Your romantic relationship ends (bad?) - Will I feel lonely, hurt and lost without them? Will I ever love again? (Fear)
You will have a child (good?) - Will I be able to be a good parent and give them a good life? (Fear)
You discover you have conditions of infertility (bad?) - Will I never be able to have a child? (fear)
Notice the fear that these changes perpetuate. And there’s no question, these fears are powerful. Fear is a storyteller. It dreams up all of the worst case scenarios and plays them ultra vividly in our minds’ eye.
From this place of fear, we make decisions. Decisions that keep us small. Decisions that don’t truly reflect who we are and who we want to be. Fear also lies to us. It tells us that we have no other choice. This is the safest, and the only path.
Well, fear is a liar.
The first thing to note, is our perspective. That little part of us operating in the background labeling everything as “good” or “bad”. Our perspective is made up. It’s a snapshot in time. Fully biased. Fully unaware of what the future holds.
With any of the scenarios above - any of them - we can switch the perspective from good to bad and vice versa. And still, because of the nature of the shift and change occurring in our lives, we will have a fear associated with it. It will just be a different fear.
You get a promotion (bad) - I was happy in the role that I was in. Will I be able to do work I love and have time for myself again? (fear)
You lose your job unexpectedly (good) - I have all the freedom in the world now to do what I want. Will I be able to do something worthy? (fear)
You find a romantic partner (bad) - Relationships are complicated and energy consuming. Can I end this without hurting them? (fear)
Your romantic relationship ends (good) - I am free from the weight of a relationship that wasn’t working. Can I truly be fulfilled on my own? (fear)
You will have a child (bad) - I am not prepared nor did I want to take on this responsibility. Will I ever be able to have my life back? (fear)
You discover you have conditions of infertility (good) - I am relieved from the expectation to produce children. Will I be able to navigate the uncharted territory of what comes next? (fear)
We create our perspectives. If they are all made up anyway, why not make a story that inspires you. But even with this shift in perspective, if we are growing, changing, taking any kind of risk whether we decided to on our own or life pushed us into it - there will be fear.
So with a perspective that serves us, how can we mitigate the fear sensations that are powerful enough to completely immobilize us and to even force us to act in ways that are contrary to our own well-being.
In navigating my own experiences lately I’ve found myself, at times, in a dark place. That feeling of being completely lost, without options and with no hope for anything “good” would grip me in my gut, seize my heart and close my throat. It constricts and pulls downward. It is a story-telling master and without any conscious effort on my part the stories that flashed through my mind were, in a word, heartbreaking.
From this dark place, I worked to challenge my perspectives. What if I changed them? This helped, but there was something deeper. Searching within myself a rush of energy built up within me. Feelings I couldn’t put words to and then in my mind came the resounding anthem, “CREATE WHO YOU WILL BE”. The fear was calling on me to not give in, but to rise above.
Allow fear to be the furnace that forges you.
I heard a beautiful message soon afterwards (thank you universe?) in a video from Ingrid Betancourt, a writer and peace advocate. She speaks of her experience being held in captivity for six years and what it taught her about fear and faith. Her message resonated within me so powerfully as it articulated exactly what I felt was the path to navigating my own fear.
Ingrid broke down her learning into three steps.
First: Have principles
Principles are those things that when fear shuts down all other capacity to think and to feel, a principle that we have in our core will carry us forward.
I believe in courage, freedom and authenticity. I believe we all have the right, if not the spiritual duty, to be our own unique selves.
With this principle, who do I want to be?
Second: Unity - create supportive ties and trust
None of us gets through this life alone. In times when we can’t see ourselves anymore, our inner circle can.
I am fortunate to have those people in my life, who bring me back to myself.
Powerful coaches and therapists can also work wonders.
Third: Learn how to develop Faith
Just as with gain there must be loss, with form there must be space, with light there must be dark and with sound there must be silence - the opposite and opposing force to fear, is faith.
Whatever your spiritual beliefs or lack thereof, faith in something greater than ourselves can give us the wings we need to move beyond our fears.
Fear is a part of life and the human condition. There will always be a new challenge or a deeper way of being that will call on us to be vulnerable. That fear can serve us but first it will break down what needs to be left behind.
In your pursuit of joy and the potential and inevitable loss thereof, don’t let fear immobilize you. Let gratitude that joy occurred be the force to carry you forward.
And onward we go.
